Eternal Questions
I've had so many different moods today that I feel like Sybil. But I keep coming back to the same one.
I was asked a very important questiont today by one of my closest and oldest friends.
e asked me if it was better to go for something and fail, and know that it was over, or to forever be wondering the what ifs.
And I didn't have an answer.
I've had a crush on this boy since last semester, and I haven't done a thing about it. I giggle about it with my roommate and friends, cracking jokes about my own lack of willpower.
Sometimes when I talk to him, my stomach tightens and I feel like I'm swimming because I'm so nervous.
I'm so nervous and scared that I won't ask him if he likes me, for the fear that he doesn't. I've asked out boys before, attempted to make my crushes become something more. Yet inevitably I always fail.
They never quite liked me back. Not like I liked them.
I always felt like a joke in high school, the slightly awkward girl who never quite got it together. Never quite made the right impression when it came to guys.
I've always been the friend, the girl you'd say a dirty joke to and laugh about it, never the girl you'd try to impress.
And I'm okay with that. I love my guy friends. Without them, my world would be a much sadder and duller place. They provide much needed insight into my world and laughter.
But I wish I had the chance to make it to the other side.
I want to be the girl that makes his eyes sparkle and stumble over his words. I want to dress up and go out on a date, my hands sweating because I don't want to make a fool of myself.
I want that. And I'm so afraid of having the chance taken away that I won't put myself out there.
Truth be told, I'm sick of always having to make the first move. Be the one who puts my heart out on my sleeve.
I want to date. I want to experience that part of life. I want to have fun with a guy.
I don't know what is better.
If you go for it and fail, then you have no hope. You know that there is no chance, and that hurts in that place deep in my heart where it brings tears to my eyes and makes me want to curl up in a ball on my bed. But at least you have resolution.
If you never try, you never know what the answer would have been. It could have been yes, and then you're kicking yourself for wasting opportunity. Or, it could have been no. At least with the what-ifs, there is no killing of the dream.
I still want to hold onto my dreams. But I also want the reality.
I guess you can't have both.
But is wanting both so bad?
I was asked a very important questiont today by one of my closest and oldest friends.
e asked me if it was better to go for something and fail, and know that it was over, or to forever be wondering the what ifs.
And I didn't have an answer.
I've had a crush on this boy since last semester, and I haven't done a thing about it. I giggle about it with my roommate and friends, cracking jokes about my own lack of willpower.
Sometimes when I talk to him, my stomach tightens and I feel like I'm swimming because I'm so nervous.
I'm so nervous and scared that I won't ask him if he likes me, for the fear that he doesn't. I've asked out boys before, attempted to make my crushes become something more. Yet inevitably I always fail.
They never quite liked me back. Not like I liked them.
I always felt like a joke in high school, the slightly awkward girl who never quite got it together. Never quite made the right impression when it came to guys.
I've always been the friend, the girl you'd say a dirty joke to and laugh about it, never the girl you'd try to impress.
And I'm okay with that. I love my guy friends. Without them, my world would be a much sadder and duller place. They provide much needed insight into my world and laughter.
But I wish I had the chance to make it to the other side.
I want to be the girl that makes his eyes sparkle and stumble over his words. I want to dress up and go out on a date, my hands sweating because I don't want to make a fool of myself.
I want that. And I'm so afraid of having the chance taken away that I won't put myself out there.
Truth be told, I'm sick of always having to make the first move. Be the one who puts my heart out on my sleeve.
I want to date. I want to experience that part of life. I want to have fun with a guy.
I don't know what is better.
If you go for it and fail, then you have no hope. You know that there is no chance, and that hurts in that place deep in my heart where it brings tears to my eyes and makes me want to curl up in a ball on my bed. But at least you have resolution.
If you never try, you never know what the answer would have been. It could have been yes, and then you're kicking yourself for wasting opportunity. Or, it could have been no. At least with the what-ifs, there is no killing of the dream.
I still want to hold onto my dreams. But I also want the reality.
I guess you can't have both.
But is wanting both so bad?
posted by free_reverie at 10:16 PM
2 Comments:
It's not at all. To be honest, I felt the same way throughout all of high school. Granted, I pretty much had to for religious reasons - no boys :-P - but still, I always kind of wanted to be the one that made a guy nervous and made him say stupid things and cringe when he thought I wasn't looking, etc.
But you're a great, sweet, funny, creative, generous and considerate person, and the right guy definitely WILL like you back. You have nothing to worry about, Amanda, because you're great. You are *great*.
*Hugs*
I lurve you, because you always know the right thing to say.
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