I Am Poet, Hear Me Roar

I haven't posted in here for awhile because I wanted to wait for something important to say. My last post, the birthday one, was my 50th here. So I wanted the next 50 to start out with something at least minorly epic.

So, here it is. I am currently taking an Honors class that deals exclusively with poetry. We read, we discuss, we listen... everything. Also, we write. Throughout the course of this class, we will write four poems. Already we've done our sonnets, which I think I did decently on, and today our Romantic Influence poems are due. Think Wordsworth, Coleridge, Shelley, etc.

I don't know if mine contains any wisdom or grace, but it's important to me. It's about my dad, and the struggle my family is going through right now. It's untitled, I hope the poem is strong enough on its own to not need one.

Winter, such a duplicitous season,
Blanketing the ground with a stark layer
Of silver white snow, that lulls us into
Believing that its motives exist pure--
Only hiding the ground until spring can
Bloom once again, mirroring the impact
That illness has visited upon family.
Cancer, the ugliest of words, lying
Dormant within one’s person, like the snow
Waiting for the coldest of climate to
Appear. While everything else lies down dead,
The snow and the sickness flourish alive--
Mocking the bright flowers and hope that wilt
Before their presence. Then realization
Hits that winter has just begun, the fight
Is nowhere near over. Battles are fought;
Ground is gained and lost under flakes of loss.
Despair seems to be insurmountable,
Unable to beat its towering foe.
However, soon the thaw begins to win.
Hints of grass shed their cocoon, basking in
The warmth and promise that sunshine provides
To victims of the powdery villain.
Spring has arrived with a clarion blast,
Renewing the spirit that lay dampened
If the world can live anew after the
Cold grasp of winter has been defeated,
Disease lacks the power to extinguish
The fight of a warrior—or father.

Hello Twenties, Goodbye Teens

I am now officially twenty years old.

HOLY SHIT I'M OLD. :P

I'm going to view this time as my own personal Roaring Twenties.

And I need to remember that while I'm no longer a teenager... I can still be young at heart.

OH MY LORD I'M ANCIENT. MAKE THE WORLD STOP, I WANT TO GET OFF!


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY PEOPLE!!! YAY!!!!!!

Almost There!!

ZOMG MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!!!

HOLY MOTHER!

:D

Today is my last day to be a free-wheeling craaazay teenager.

Eep!

My Heart Did Flutter

Two days. :)

I got my birthday box from my family today, along with cards from my G-Ma and my Auntie Linda. It totally brightened up my day to see that pink package slip in my KC box.

I finally got my new boots and the remainder of the clothes I had left at home that I couldn't bring back with me (YAY BOOTS) but I was more excited about the wrapped items lurking within the box. And of course, my parents did not disappoint.

The card left me in tears, one of those beautifully manipulating Hallmark jobs that hit you just where the tears are lurking. But it so perfectly summed up how my mom and I feel about each other that I have to tip my hat to Hallmark. Good job, you have made me cry. Again. :P

I got this adorable red and black polka dotted coffee mug that had a little white bear on it with a birthday hat that said "Happy Birthday". It also had a magnetized scribble pad and matching pen, the pad is now hanging on my fridge, waiting for me to write my normal pithy comments and grocery lists on it. (Bread, milk, pony... same old, same old.)

Then I got this gorgeous tiny decoupaged box my mom made, with the words Dream, Imagine, and Wonder scattered all over it. It's gold, with little stars and sunbursts and flowers, and just beautiful. She even glued one of her old brooches on the front of it as a makeshift clasp. And on the inside, she put "You are my dream come true! Love Mom"

Yes I cried. :P

And finally, I got the one present which is most special. My final semester of high school, my mom started a little memory journal for me that she said she'd give to me on a later date. I got a peek at it at Graduation, but she kept it. Till now. The front cover has a picture of my mom and me when I was just a baby. It was Halloween, and funnily enough, I'm dressed as a tiny bunny rabbit. Oh the irony. :D Inside are a bunch of entries that my mom wrote, talking about how much I've grown as a person and how much she loves me. There's a picture of my G-Ma and me when the three of us went to Punta Cana the summer after senior year, and even an old agenda book page in which she talks about how much she loves my handwriting. (Yes my mom is perfect, why do you ask?)

But the final entry made me tear up the most, because now she's passing it on to me to fill as I see fit. And because I know she won't mind too much, here is the entry as written on the page:

"My Darling Daughter,

It has been a little over a year since my last entry. So much has happened within that amount of time. What I have learned is that life goes on Honey, no matter what hurdles you have to overcome. We gain strength in our relationships and love we have for one another. In life what matters most is how you love and were loved.

I am now passing this journal back to you for the last time. It is yours to continue. Fill it with all your beautiful thoughts and all of the experiences you will have. I will love you forever my little "Bunnie".

Mom"

No matter how many bad days I will have, I know my family loves me. And this just showed to remind me how blessed I am to have them.

My parents will hopefully find out the results of my dad's biopsy today, but I can smile knowing that if anyone can beat this, it is my family. <3 Man, I cried like a little bitch. :P I guess I can't help it that I have the awesomest family that ever did live. *Sniff* Now where's my damn tissues?

Waiting.

My dad went through the surgery well... while it was supposed to only be a scope down his throat, it ended up being actual surgery. He had lymph nodes, pieces of the tumor, his jugular vein, and neck muscle removed. It ended up being far more extensive than my mom antcipated. He does have metastatic squamous neck cancer, and they haven't found the primary tumor yet. They're currently biopsing the lymph nodes and the like now, and we won't have those results till Monday.

My dad will be in the hospital till at least tomorrow, if not this weekend.

Apparently at the very least he'll need radiation, if not radiation and chemo. But since we don't know how far this has spread, we don't know his chances for recovery.

My mom cried on the phone. She's far more worried than she's telling me, which makes my stomach just clench. I couldn't help myself, and I just bawled while talking to her. I held back when I first found out, but I couldn't help but just cry. She said she wished I was there. She never says that, because she knows that it's so hard for me to be 8 hours away with no way of getting home. The fact that she said that just underscores how bad it could be.

I'm so worried about my dad, but I have so many other things that I need to take care of: school, Phi Mu, work... I have to ignore my problems so I can do things for others.

But last night after talking to my mom, I just crawled into bed with my teddy bear Bonzo that I've had since birth, and sobbed. I sobbed until my roommate got back, and then I just lay there, thinking about my dad and missing him and worrying.

Then I slept.

And even though I got around 8 hours of sleep last night, I feel like I haven't slept a wink.

Just three more hours of class, three hours of work, and one to two hours of Phi Mu tonight and then I can just lay in bed and watch movies or sleep or cry or all three. Thank the Lord for no Friday classes.

But I would rather have every single class on Fridays if I could make sure that my dad was safe and healthy.